5.27.14

Punch-a-Bear Archives      Drawing for 5.27.14

Hi. I hope you aren’t sneezing. Some of us… not so lucky.

Sometimes you like to have something and it’s just for you. Like… a: pony, handkerchief, special plate, lucky sock, secret acorn, fairy, rusty nail, secret hiding place, sordid affair, mug, piece of string.

That is a comprehensive list of all of the things it is okay not to share.

I can get Chinese food delivered to my house. I know some of you were worried about that, but it’s okay. Crisis over.

I hope that, in the future, we all get government-assigned living quarters. Mostly because I think everything should be controlled by the government. Why not?

Bullshit!: Tumblr, Facebook, and Twitter.

Love,
Tabia B.
Lieutenant Sparkles

5.22.14

Punch-a-Bear Archives      Drawing for 5.22.14

Hi, Punch-a-Friends. Hope you had a nice week and have big old plans for Memorial Day. Like, I dunno, think about Dead People.

Two things: 1. I don’t like mean-stupid people/actions. 2. I don’t like straight girls who invade personal boundaries of queers.

Explanations: 1. I’m honestly pretty into stupid people for limited times. Ditzy is cute. But when people say mean things that are also stupid, that’s not cute. That’s shitty tacos, which is a High Insult. It is the malicious intent that makes me want to ram people’s heads into their problems and make them sit in the corner. Be nice! Even in cars!

2. It’s super cool that you’re comfortable with me, Straight Women. You are open-minded and accepting. Great qualities! But don’t fucking casually touch me unless we’ve agreed that you’re going to put your tongue in my mouth. I guess what I’m saying here is, consent is mondo cool. My best friend Sophie asked if she could hug me before the first time we hugged. Now it is acceptable behavior. That’s the way I like it.

Hey, at least I’m not being all passive-aggressive on Facebook.

NEGATIVE ENERGY!: Tumblr, Facebook, and Twitter.

Love,
Tabia B.
Captain Behavior Prescriptivist/
Unfeeling Robot

5.15.14

Punch-a-Bear Archives      Drawing for 5.15.14

Hey, kids. Best wishes to all of you fine people. Blah, blah blah.

Have I done this drawing before? I mean, I know I just drew this, but the idea is constantly in my head (because of Spock being involved), so it’s hard to be sure it didn’t already happen.

I like Spock. In case you weren’t sure. Me and Nurse C. got it bad. I don’t mind sharing. The nothing that exists and can be had. Sad face.

Characters are always better than people. Because people aren’t as compact. It is also harder to follow real people, largely because they are boring. Real people are more likely to have annoying speech patterns and idiosyncrasies. If a character has those things, it damned well needs to be important. Otherwise, stick with Captain Pike. I really think so.

What would actually have been ideal: Majel Barrett as captain, Spock still second in command, and Pike as the nurse. No Shatners need apply.

Make love: Tumblr, Facebook, and Twitter.

Love,
Tabia B.
Not Actually in Starfleet

4.10.14

Punch-a-Bear Archives      Drawing for 4.10.14

Greetings, my darlings. I hope that you are out there living your dreams.

Speaking of dreams, what does it mean when you stop having reoccurring dreams about a young woman you used to know but then have one again? P.S. These are purely romantic dreams, so don’t get freaked out.

I guess the point here is, I’m subconsciously in love with a person I sometimes get really disillusioned with on Facebook and with whom I haven’t exchanged words in five years (or more).

Emma was never The One.

Boom. Whatever. Do I know how to sell vodka or do I know how to sell VODKA!

Look at this! I drew a naked lady in her underclothes!

Vodka induced fanta… dreams… I mean dreams on: Tumblr, Facebook, and Twitter.
Love,
Tabia B.
Knower of How to Sell VODKA!

4.15.14

Punch-a-Bear Archives      Drawing for 4.15.14

Hi. I hope you all had at least half as good a weekend as I had.

I had adventures in The City (San Francisco) on Friday/Saturday. I got to stay awake for twenty four hours, which is not something I can say normally. In general, I flounce back and forth between insomnia and near-narcolepsy.

So, we can all agree that I am not parent material. I’m barely kid material. It boggles the mind that I was ever young at all. It seems as if I popped out tiny but fully formed from some Virginia Woolf essay.

Or so they say.

Special guest appearance by my imaginary genderless child, Princess Mastercard Ronnie.

Oh jeeze, here’s some birth control: Tumblr, Facebook, and Twitter.

Love,
Tabia B.
Sperm Donor

4.17.14

Punch-a-Bear Archives      Drawing for 4.17.14

Hello, cats and kittens and radishes. I hope everything is okay or better for you.

My beautiful coworker, Zulhay, practically died or whatever and has missed two days of work. Holy crap. Just when you think you know a person he or she has a rebellious body that takes him/her away from you.

I have been eating apples recently. I am not opposed to apples, but they are often not as cheap as you might want if you are me. I have been wondering if I have consumed enough wax to do something with. Just in my lifetime, not necessarily this week.

Waste not want not, am I right?

I am vaguely opposed to incidental consumption of non-food substances (spiders are included).

Take control of your health: Tumblr, Facebook, and Twitter.

Love,
Tabia B.
Waxing Poet

4.22.14

Punch-a-Bear Archives      Drawing for 4.22.14

Oh, hey there. How are you? Looking good.

My life is miserable because my throat has decided that we are enemies and I am choking all of a sudden for no real reason.

That was a sentence. Okay. I was off on the weekend (Happy Easter, m-f-ers who give an s). When I came into work Monday, there was an almost whole ham. It turns out that the kids who worked on Sunday had a little potluck/work-provided Easter shindig. What a nice thing to do! But where is my vegetarian ham-like product?

I don’t know, you guys. I just don’t know.

I fucking made strawberry rhubarb pie this weekend all the way from scratch/without using a recipe. I don’t even need your ham or your apologies, World.

Take control of your ham: Tumblr, Facebook, and Twitter.

Love,
Tabia B.
Ham-to-let
(Not to be confused with ham toilet)

4.24.14

Punch-a-Bear Archives      Drawing for 4.24.14

Hey, kids. I am just going to put this out there: if you don’t know how four-way stops work in America, it’s okay. I can help. It is super hard to learn, but I did it, and so can you. Hit me up. But don’t hit me.

Well, looks like I went to see a movie, huh? You are welcome to check out my sober mini-review of Noah on Facebook.
In other news: my friend Megan’s birthday is tomorrow. HOLY CRAP! We aren’t going to be twins anymore (because we haven’t ever been twins?) because she’s turning five months older than me.

The secret birthday gift she’s getting from me is a life-sized metal print of me. I’m even going to sign it. That is true friendship. When I’m a famous billionaire living in the Bahamas smoking Djarums and chugging sidecars, you know she’ll be able to sell that and buy a new car or whatever.

If not now, when?: Tumblr, Facebook, and Twitter.
Love,
Tabia B.
King of Birthdays

4.29.14

Punch-a-Bear Archives      Drawing for 4.29.14

Hi. Welcome to PAB, the ultimate PAB experience.

Uh. How about them sexists? It is awfully shitty, navigating the world as a human being. Never forget: It is worse for some people. I have isolated myself to a large degree from things I don’t like, but you can never really control your boundaries as much as you would like.

We are all so alone; why make people want to leave you alone even more? Meaningful interactions and exchanges are mostly okay. I am afraid of them, but I am also afraid of the boa constrictor under my couch/life partner.

Couch/life partner = too real?

Replace your fears with even more dreadful things at: Tumblr, Facebook, and Twitter.

Love,
Tabia B.
Domestic Partnerships for Inanimate Objects Now!

5.1.14

Punch-a-Bear Archives      Drawing for 5.1.14

And a good day to you, mon chéris. Let’s get this straight right off: your best friend is wrong about freezing watermelon.

Don’t get me wrong– it’s not bad. It’s just weird and not easy for my mouth. This is a bad day for fruit. I also blackened a banana because apparently leaving bananas in plastic bags in cars in hot weather causes changes. Who would have thought? I don’t know about you kids, but I’m writing my congressperson and Lynn Robinson ASAP. This has got to be stopped.

Aliens are fun to draw because they can be any color in any place at any time. They are like god in that way, I guess.

P.S. The message of this drawing is that you aren’t a superhero. It isn’t your fault. But here’s the good news: nobody else is a superhero either. Next time somebody punches through the brick wall of your house, just go out and be like “uh-uh. You can’t do that. You’re not a superhero and you’re sure as hell not my mom, so fix it.” This will not work as well if it is, indeed, your mother who punched through your wall. It may confuse her and buy you some time to run away, though. Good luck.

No: Tumblr, Facebook, and Twitter.

Love,
Tabia B.
Super Hero Destroyer